It's easy to forget

It's very easy to forget where I am. I've had a few days off and haven't been out much lately. I went for a massage on Sunday which, apart from the odd few words of Russian spoken, and the fact that the masseuse didn't discreetly leave the room when I undressed, could easily have been at home. I've been watching English language DVDs, been skyping with family, listening to podcasts, audio books and music, and reading English language books. I've been warm, I've been eating food I enjoy, that I've cooked myself, and to be honest, I could have been anywhere, even at home.

On Monday, though, I slipped on some ice. I didn't hurt myself badly, just jarred my arm, and fortunately my laptop (which was in my backpack) and my iPod (in my pocket) were unharmed. That was all I was worried about! It reminded me though that this isn't home. That this is a harsh and very different environment. I had an evening out tonight and walked home in a temperature of -10 degrees C. That is actually very mild for a Siberian winter and to be honest it didn't feel too cold (despite the fact I wasn't really dressed for it), but I could feel the difference. I felt the pain in my head, and I felt my nostrils starting to freeze. I had to keep moving my scarf round because it got wet from my breath - and it froze each time. I know it will get much colder than this (although the weekend is forecast to be mild) and I am actually looking forward to the experience, even though it will be difficult.

Not all the experiences here are hard though. I had my first 'cultural' excursion today - to a ballet in the Palace of Arts. It was The Nutcracker Suite. It wasn't live music but the show was great to watch, and I loved the way the audience clapped along to the music. To our Western minds, this seemed a little incongruous but was natural to them, as were the small children running onto the stage with flowers for the dancers. One poor little girl was a bit too late and started crying though, poor thing. The curtain call was after the house lights came on, which was another thing I found a little odd. I was definitely an enjoyable experience though.

So with the ballet and the cold, it is welcome to Russia!! 

Time alone

Some things haven't changed simply because I'm working in another country. My colleagues and my students are great but at the moment they are the only people I know here, so any social activities are an extension of work. Whilst it's good to go out with colleagues at the weekends or after work, try new restaurants or bars and try to forget about work, I still need time on my own. I always have done. It might be the Gemini in me that gets torn between wanting to be with people and be on my own. I seem to need more and more time on my own to recharge my batteries these days but the good thing is that the older I get, the more easily I recognise the signs that I need to do it. If I start to get grumpy, ratty with others etc, I just take time out as I did this weekend.  I spent last night and today being a domestic goddess (ish!), watching TV, studying, reading, listening to music etc and I feel much better as a result. Almost ready to face next week, in fact. 

I have smiled

Sometimes it's tough teaching. Sometimes it's tough being away from home. Sometimes it's tough when the only people you can talk to or spend time with are the people you work with. But sometimes things happen which make you smile. These can be very small things, or big things, and if you focus on them the harder stuff somehow seems easier to deal with.

I was having a tough day and one of my classes bought me chocolate for teachers' day a couple of weeks ago. That made me smile.

I went to the market at the weekend and saw these little guys sneaking a feed without paying. That made me smile.

I was walking past a 16 floor high block of flats and I saw some large writing on the ground. I stepped back to read it. It said "Julia, I love you. You are all I need" (in Russian of course). That made me smile. Similar things can be seen all over the city, and the love messages outside the maternity hospital really make me smile.

I was walking past Maternity Hospital No. 1 the other day. A proud father was posing for a photo at the entrance, holding a new born baby. He was wearing his best suit and everyone had balloons. That made me smile.

We have had the first snow. It melted but it looked beautiful on the tree outside my flat. That made me smile. 

It was sunny this morning and a Great Tit landed on the tree. I couldn't get a picture, but that made me smile too.

I know it's partially caused by pollution but this pink sunset made me smile. 

Lots of other things have made me smile: words from friends, family, colleagues and students. Funny things people (often students!) have said, finding Kleenex Balsam tissues in the supermarket, seeing a child try to catch snowflakes, but most of all, waking up every day and realising how lucky I am to be able to do a job I love. At this precise moment in time I wouldn't want to be doing anything else. 

Hidden treasures

Very few of the shops, bars, cafes or restaurants here are obvious. Places are advertised but when you try to find them all you see are buildings with no obvious entrance or shop front, and no way of telling what's inside other than a small sign in Russian.

This picture shows a row of shops with no indication from outside what they are selling.

Some newer buildings are appearing, baby shopping malls, but these are generally very exclusive shops (think fur and diamonds), and you can't see what shops are inside until you go in. Restaurants and cafes are similar, so every door is an adventure, albeit a somewhat daunting one occasionally.

Last night I went to a bar/restaurant with some colleagues. We walked through concrete and steel tower blocks, mud and puddles (looking forward to the freezing temperatures so we don't have to puddle dodge!) and came to a steel door with a small sign next to it. We went in, down some stairs, and it opened into a huge bar area (think a small Chicagos or something similar in terms of size). We were led upstairs into an equally large restaurant area with luxurious looking fittings and soft furnishings (owned by a well-connected local apparently...) and had a good meal, accompanied by, a rowing boat in the middle of the floor, walls containing fish tanks, background music and women in high heels and short skirts dancing. An interesting and not unpleasant experience with an very varied but Russian-focussed menu. They also had menus in English, which says a lot about the customers they get (ex pats are rare but - other than the teachers - generally wealthy)

My point is that this isn't the kind of place I'm used to. There is no obvious centre or focus to this city. A lot of places are behind closed doors and you need to know the right people to tell you where they are (and preferably to go with you the first time). Even the 'ethnic' market is behind gates and not obviously visible from the road. I've been wondering why this is and can only think that it is a result of the communist past when if you had lots you didn't flaunt it as obviously as is the case now, and if you didn't have anything you were hidden away from everyone else.  Things are changing but a lot of the culture clearly remains.

The one I wasn't sure about writing

I wasn't sure whether to write this blog post or not but one reason I'm here is to help others get through what I've been through (albeit indirectly), so for that reason I am sitting in my flat at 11.30pm on a Friday night writing a difficult blog entry.

I have suffered from severe depression and agoraphobia. The main catalyst for the last episode was about 18 months ago. It was a serious incident in the workplace for which I had little or no support from my employers. The event resulted in a court case and was the most stressful thing I have ever had to face. I lost all confidence in my ability to do my job (even though my ability had not diminished in any way) and my self esteem plummeted. I was signed off sick with depression, I didn't leave the house for months and completely retreated into my own little world. On one occasion, in April I think, I went to the theatre on a rare attempt to be what I saw as 'normal'. I had a major panic attack and felt as though I'd failed. I then stayed indoors for several weeks, crushed at my 'failure'.

I gradually started going out, first sitting on my doorstep, then little walks down the lane. I had registered several months before to do the Moonwalk, a charity overnight marathon through London. I wanted to train for it and I had a purpose so, with the support of family, friends, and particularly from online friends on Twitter, I trained. One lovely twitter friend offered to meet me at Euston station so I didn't have to arrive on my own. My mum saw me onto the train and after a nail biting, nail digging in arms journey I arrived and met J.  I didn't complete the walk due to it coinciding with a 48 hour stomach bug but I'd accepted a challenge and that was enough for me to see it as a success. I'd managed the train journey, met people I'd never seen before, and even managed to get home totally alone. It was a turning point. From then I got part time work in a pub and started going out again.

So how did I get from there to here? I'd been happy not to work before that. It was Safe (with a capital S). There were no risks involved. That's what depression did to me -  it took away my ability to take any risks, however small. I knew I had to be sure I could still do things that were outside my comfort zone. I love teaching, couldn't find a job in the UK teaching English so started to look abroad. I'd learned Russian at Uni (many years previously!) and had worked in Poland so had some experience of living in colder climates during the winter. Russia seemed a logical choice, so when I saw a job in Siberia, I thought "why not?!"

Since I've been here, I've been down a few times and I've cried. That's a normal reaction to being away from home. I'm also accepting it is also a normal reaction to teaching! The big difference is that now there are enough challenges every day for me to be motivated to continue and not want to go to bed. When I want to sleep here, it's because I'm tired (or hungover!), not because I'm avoiding the real world.

I wanted to write this as a lot of people who read this blog have suffered from, or are suffering from, depression or anxiety. Don't think about the big steps. Think about the little steps along the lane or even to the end of the drive. They will lead to the things you think are big and scary now.

Some of my colleagues may read this. They don't know I had depression (although my boss does). I don't want to be treated any differently. I'll have emotional days, but it doesn't mean I'm sinking again. I love what I do, I love where I am (at the moment!), and I know I've made the right decision. I'm looking forward to the next few months and whatever they will bring.

Three weeks in

I've been here just over 3 weeks now. Mostly it's gone well. There are timetable challenges (mostly the number of kids' I'm teaching and the fact I don't have any business classes which I expected as a business English specialist), but challenges are there to be overcome, or so I'm told. The school is great, the staff are really helpful, and most of the students are really nice too. 

I've used the language a little but don't have enough knowledge to converse with people. Mind you, strangers would think someone crazy if they started a random conversation with them anyway. 

I've moved into a different flat, which is bigger and very comfortable. It is about 30 mins' walk from the school and on the 5th floor with no lift but I'm getting used to that. The picture above is the road leading to my flat.

Autumn has been lovely, I was surprised how many trees there are here in what is basically a sprawling concrete-covered swamp. 

The past few days has seen a change though. Many of the trees have lost their leaves, the hanging baskets have been removed from the lamp posts and the flower beds have been dug over. Winter is on the way and people are starting to prepare for it.  Snow has been forecast later this week, whether it will be the first snow to settle this year or not remains to be seen. At the moment I can say I'd prefer to see the snow and ice rather than the huge puddles and generally grey sky (the picture above was taken on a rare sunny day) but I'm sure that in a few weeks' time I will be looking forward to the spring.

There are so many challenges here - every brings something new to motivate me. I doubt I'll get bored here, although loneliness is obviously a possibility. It's something I'm aware of so I'm trying to keep busy to stop it happening. 

In the meantime, I'm planning, teaching and doing the same things I do at home - cooking, cleaning, washing, reading, spending time online, shopping... Life's not so different here really. Yet....

In Siberia...

Well I made it! The flights were fairly uneventful although there was a difference between the international and the internal flight. Just before take off on the flight from Heathrow the cabin crew came round with boiled sweets (pear drops, just in case you are interested). On the internal flight from Moscow to Nizhnevartovsk they handed out sick bags just before take off - fortunately not needed!!

We arrived at just after 6am local time (1am UK time) on Tuesday. It's now 4pm local time Thursday and I feel like I've been here for ages. I think I've seen most of the sights already (it's a small place), I've walked lots, been shopping for food a couple of times, eaten out, ordered a few coffees and drunk more beer than I've had in the past 6 months! Jet lag is a bit of a problem, slept for an hour last night before I woke up and was wide awake for two or three hours. Other than that, no problems to report.

Weather - well, it's pretty cold but above freezing. There is a strong and cold wind though. Snow is forecast for Friday night (6-10cm) and hopefully the city's central heating (centrally controlled) will come on before that (needs four days below 5 degrees). Having said that, it is entirely possible that the week after the snow the temperatures could go up to almost 20 degrees again. I've tried to get a hot water bottle but can't find one anywhere, probably because the apartment blocks are so hot once the heating is on.

I don't have internet in my flat yet (I may be moving so it's on hold) but will put some pictures up once that's sorted out. If you can imagine a city with no real centre, based around blocks of apartments you've got it. There are more trees than I imagined, and the river is huge, although strange to see there's absolutely nothing but wilderness on the other side of it. The Ob is the third biggest river in Asia and it freezes over from the middle/end of October - enough to walk on and probably even drive on. Speaking of Asia, yes geographically I am in Asia but there is a much more European feel about the place than an Asian one.

Well, a pretty factual blog there, not too much to report that is particularly interesting at the moment. I still have to keep pinching myself to believe I'm here, it all feels very comfortable at the moment which is good but a little surreal. It could all change once I start teaching next week....

The List

I have a list. Actually, I have several lists. I find this makes organisation easier because I write things down I need to buy, or need to do. And then I don't feel as bad if I forget to buy/do them as they are on A List and they will be remembered again at some point.

Crossing things off the list feels good. So good in fact that it seems to be common practice among Listers to add things post-action, simply in order to cross them off again. This is called Being Productive. It is Post Productive Crossings Off and I've been doing a lot of those lately.

Today there were a few Post Productive Crossings Off. Purely because I had completely forgotten to add them to The List and I felt cheated that I couldn't cross them off when I'd done them. So I added them to The List and Crossed Them Off, immediately feeling much better.

Maybe I should add 'Cross Things Off The List' to The List to add to my sense of achievement each day...

Anyway, The List is helping me work out how much I still need to do but even more importantly, during the times when I think I'm not making progress in getting organised, it reminds me how much I've already achieved. So it IS worth adding the Post Productive Crossings Off even if only to make me feel as though I'm getting somewhere!

Now, where did I put The List - 'write unnecessary blog' and 'cross out completed jobs' need to be added and crossed off....

Getting There

A few weeks ago I made a decision. I couldn't get work in the UK so I decided to look further afield. I applied for a few jobs in countries as diverse as Libya, Cambodia and Russia. I got offered a few (one in Saudi, two in Poland, and one in Russia). Taking everything into account I chose the job in Russia. Western Siberia to be exact. I'll be teaching English to adults.

I am going to fly out on 6 September. That's two weeks away. I'm in the final stages of packing up my life into storage boxes and putting them in a large wooden box for at least 10 months. I have got a tenant (a lovely one) for the flat, and have bought new knickers and made a doc's appointment for the diazepam prescription (for the flight) so preparations are going well. I think...

I don't mind putting things into boxes, emotionally or physically, so that part of the move isn't difficult. I'll miss family and friends but so many of my friends are online now that it won't be as tough as it was when I went to Poland 5 years ago. I've also got a new shiny laptop with built in webcam so keeping in touch should be a doddle!

I'm sure some things will be hard, not least the uncertainty of what I'm going into. I speak a little Russian and I've been to Russia on holiday but know very little about Russia really. I'm also not certain yet which city I'll be working in (either Tyumen or Nizhnevartovsk) which is slightly unsettling but I'm trying to go with the flow and deal with whatever comes.

I'll still be on Twitter (@peekaywrites) and Facebook but will update the blog too with my 'adventures'. You may even get to see a few photos!!

Paula
xx